Nippowned 2—Tokyo and Beyond

Well, I really took it hard from Japan this past week or so.

I ride my bike to the office on Saturday to finish up some paperwork before my three day vacation in Tokyo. Being at the office on my vacation day is not exactly thrilling. Normally I would have walked here because it's a stone's throw away from my apartment, but I'm planning on making some more stops when I finished. This will tie in later on.

I realized earlier on today that my costly transaction to change some funds over from USD to Yen wouldn't go through until Thursday, after I returned home. This is because it's impossible to do any banking on the weekend or on national holidays in Japan; this Monday-Wed are national holidays. I called up my bank to cancel the transaction, but was told that even though I couldn't get my money because it would not be processed until Thursday, I couldn't cancel the transaction because it had already been processed. But I couldn't get my money. Because it wouldn't be processed until Thursday. Whatever Japan. So I I'll have to make due on a limited budget.

I pack up my Mac Mini and all my adapters so I can access the internet from my hotel room and hop on the bullet train heading for Tokyo ($100 one way).

I realize on the train that I didn't pack my phone charger. No problem—they sell little battery boosters everywhere in Japan. Wrong. Problem. There apparently isn't a single battery booster in all of Japan that fits my phone. Ok. I'll have to take it to a Softbank (my provider) retailer and use one of their super charger machines.

Arriving at the hotel, I immediately take a look at the tv to see if I can use it as a monitor. Jackpot—there's a VGA port right in the back. Uh-oh. I can't figure out how to use the Japanese remote to switch the input. So I call down and they send up a guy to help me. He kindly informs me that the tv had been partially disabled so that it can only be used to watch television. I don't ask why. I just thank him and start plotting.

Surely there is a way to make this work. A-ha! The cable box strapped to the back of the tv is feeding through unsecured RCA cables. All I need to do is find a mini DVI to video adapter. But first to Softbank.

My best friend at guest services informs me that there is one just outside the hotel. Unfortunately it will be closed until Thursday because of the holidays. Ok. Fine. Point me to an electronics shop.

This place looks promising. A Softbank and an Apple location right inside! Let's get this phone charged. The dude takes my phone and starts looking at the four different super charger machines. No dice, he gestures. Really? The place that sold me my phone can't charge it? Apparently I need the little adapter that came with my phone that for some reason is needed to use the charger that came with my phone. That, of course, is attached to my charger at home. So I ask the dude to sell me one. He says that I can only get it from the maker. I look down at the Softbank logo stamped on my phone, up to the Softbank logo hanging above his head, then down to reestablish eye contact. He didn't get it. (>_< )q Deep breath.... Ok. On to Apple.

Apple was my ally in my only victorious battle so far against Nippon by making even their iPods sold in Japan default to English. I can't find a mini DVI to video adapter, 30 bucks will get me a DVI to video adapter, which I can plug into my mini DVI to DVI adapter. HA HA, Japan, I got you this time! Don't underestimate me when it comes to making my computer work the way I want it to it all kinds of unconventional ways!

Now to try it out. You must be fucking joking me. The DVIs seem to have been changed slightly since I bought my computer and the adapters barely don't fit each other. At this point I'm totally dejected, but I'm still convinced that I can win this one by purchasing a new mini DVI to DVI adapter. But perhaps it's not worth wasting more time and money since Japan already has me on a tight budget. Alright, Nippon, you win again—as usual.

So here I am, completely cut of from the entire world—even my Japanese world.

Fast forward to the train station, departure time.

I just realized that I left my shopping bag full of gifts in the train station bathroom. It's been about an hour, but maybe it's still there. Nope. Somebody must have turned it in. Information says they have nothing and that I should check the lost and found at the security office. They don't have it either! This can only mean one thing—somebody found my bag and stole it! In Japan! Must have been a foreigner. Fuck!

I retrace my steps for about two hours, even though I know exactly where I left it. Let me check one more time at the station. Nope. Fine, take my $100 and get me out of this Nippon on steroids!

At least I took another vacation day tomorrow to recover from my repeated pwnage.

Fast forward to tomorrow.

My manager is at another school and the helper teacher that comes on Tuesdays doesn't have a key. I have to go in again on my vacation day to open up.

Fast forward to Monday.

Things are looking up! I have a cute girl in my apartment who just told me to relax while she cooks me a Japanese meal and by the way did I need a beer. No joke.

The meal is delicious, the beer is Budweiser.

Walking out the front gate, she asks me which bike is mine. Shit! I left it at GEOS. Let's stop by and get it. I run back inside my apartment to get my bike key. No key. I must have left it in my bike lock, which I do from time to time.

[Explanation: bikes in Japan all have little locks fixed to the frames that grab around the back tire making it immobile while locked. It's very convenient, but it takes such little thought that sometimes I forget to lock it back up and don't realize it.]

Well bend me over again. It's gone. This is unbelievable. I totally expected my chained up $50 bike to get stolen in Toledo, but I never expected my completely unsecured bike to get stolen in Japan. Like Max says, you can leave your luggage outside a busy airport in Japan with ¥10,000 ($100) bills sprinkled all over it and everything would be exactly the way you left it when you got back. Crime is just not like it is back home. Except when you're me.

Where am I supposed to find another one-speed bicycle with a bent basket and a pink bell? Not an easy question to answer, is it?

Such is my life in Japan.

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

“If there was a god, I’d still have both nuts.”

—Lance Armstrong

It's a Date.

So date number two with Chieko was on Sunday. If you missed date number one, ☜click that.

The idea was to use this date as a cover for what was really an attempt to get free fashion consulting. My wardrobe is severely limited here in Japan and I've found that my only natural sense of style can only be pulled off in Seattle circa 1994. And I'm hitting Tokyo soon.

We decided to go to an Aeon shopping center for the task. But not just any Aeon shopping center. In fact, we ignored the two within Toyota City limits and I pointed at three others as we drove by them. After 2 hours of driving (mind you that conversation between us is turbulent at best) we arrived at a special Aeon—Mozo: Wonder City.

I understand why we chose this place. It was huge. Like five shopping malls stacked on top of one another.

Well, I almost immediately regretted my bright idea. She was no help at all. I kept telling her, "choose something and I'll buy it." But she wouldn't. So I was on my own, but in the end I think I did alright.

When we walked by a Sega playland on the Fifth floor, I was appropriately giddy. Until she told me she doesn't like video games. Not even Mario? Everyone in Japan loves Mario!

We also visited a pet store that had some sort of goat running free, along with a giant swan and some kind of mini kangaroo type thing (only the goat was loose). This is Japan's idea of "pets" I guess. It was there she told me that she hates snakes and lizards but likes "pet" beetles. If only she understood when I said, "double-u tee eff?"

Things got better though when we ventured into some Pacific Sunwear type place that was blasting Muse's "Uprising" days before the album's release. Unfortunately, she couldn't grasp why I was excited and I probably looked like an idiot.

The ride back to Toyota was much better. She popped Eminem into her car's MiniDisc player (apparently MD got popular here. I wonder why it flopped in the States).

"You like Eminem?"

"I like."

"That's because you can't understand him."

So I spent the trip sitting next to the nicest, sweetest girl, listening to a wigger from the Greater Windsor area rap about leftover substance from a part of the female anatomy on part of his anatomy, and about kicking pregnant women in the stomach. Talk about a surreal state of awesome.

Yakiniku was next on the itinerary. No problems there. Oh wait—I might have eaten a lot of pig intestine and definitely ate numerous pieces of pig tongue because she didn't realize it was gross and kept putting more on my plate. Probably the craziest thing I've ever done for a girl.

After that I told her to take me to a cool place, since she knows since she probably knows a lot more than me about Toyotashi. The plan here was to have her say "I don't know where to go" (which was certain to happen) then tell her that I know a place. I had stumbled upon a park way up in the hills that offers a great view of the city when I was exploring on my bike early into my stay. To my surprise, she just said, "ok." Damn.

We started driving to wherever she was taking me, when at one point she leaned forward and squinted before turning on her left blinker. I said "right here?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Maybe here."

"Maybe the next one."

We turned there, but I was right about it being the next one. You see, she was taking me to the same spot I found on my bike! It's not like this place was famous. Surely Aphrodite was trying to get us to make out.

Anyway, she was cold so I rubbed her arms twice before we left.

The end.

If you're still reading this, there's no reason why you shouldn't comment. So comment.

Enjoy this somewhat related quote:

"Being impregnated by an alien and giving birth. It'd be awful to give birth to a freak so you'd have to hide it away from everyone but still bring it up as your own."

—Matthew Bellamy of Muse on his worst fear.

It's a Date?

Normally I'm not one to talk a whole lot about my love life, but trying to date in Japan presents some unusual problems that I thought might be interesting to some of you.

I recently met a girl and her 2 friends (one Japanese girl and one Indian guy who speaks fluent English) and we've all been hanging out bit. The two of us have been emailing (texting) each other a lot over the past few weeks. This is kind of difficult because I don't speak Japanese. Luckily, she's smarter than I am and can understand English, though it's rough at times. Long story short, we are hanging out tonight, but I still don't know if it's a date or who is all coming.

Anyway, here's the long story—our email conversations. Complete with emoji and original grammar ("C" represents her, "G" represents me):

Aug. 16, 7:32 PM

C: come back after sleep get up now

How meny lesson today?

G: Today is my holiday. what are you doing tonight?

C: holiday it good what are you doing?

This trip very tired I'd like to lie down tonight.

G: I think I will just watch a movie tonight

C: What movie is it?

I want to watch a night museum

G: I just watched a dvd. not a famous movie. maybe we can see night at the museum together sometime, what do you think?

C: It o k

I will go this time

(After much contemplating over what the hell that meant, I decided I had no idea if she was saying "yes" or if she already had plans to see it. So I just went with this:)

G: OK. have a good night Chieko!

C: good night

have a nice dream

Aug. 26, 10:23 PM (conversation in progress)

G: That is a hard swim! what are your plans for this weekend?

C: I have no plan.

Sunday is free

G: Did you see Night at the Museum yet?

C: ok

Do you wont to go another place Sunday?

(Thwarted once again! Did she see it or not?)

G: Sure, what do you think?

C: I do not hit

I takes you with a near place

(I finally think I've figured out that she saw the movie and we are making plans to do something else. Whether this is a date or if her friends that normally hang out with us are coming too is still up in the air.)

G: OK. We will think of something. sounds good! its a plan

C: I go to it to meet you Sunday

G: OK Have a good dream tonight, Chieko.

C: you tooGood nightGuy

G: Oyasuminasai

Aug. 28, 8:59 PM (conversation in progress)

G: I will eat soon. shower first.

What time should we meet on Sunday?

C: It is good anytime

G: Do you want to get dinner? maybe 18:30?

C: Yes I want to get dinner

When I watch a movie hungry

( ! So we are seeing a movie after all! Still unsure about the date thing.)

G: Sounds good!

C: ok

I go to your house at18:00

(Ok, I get it! You can drive and I can't!)

UPDATE:

It was totally a date (my first legit date since college) and the movie was much funnier than expected. Unfortunately I had to keep myself from laughing the whole time, because no one else was. I don't think American humor translates very well into Japanese subtitles.

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

"In science, 'fact' can only mean 'confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.' I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms."

—Stephen Jay Gould

My Life in Japan

My conversation with some dude on the street on the way home from the bar:

Dude: USA!

Me: Hai. USA.

Dude: Carifonya?

Me: No. Ohio.

Dude: Ohio! Kentucky?

Me: No. Ohio.

Dude: Parm Springs?

Me: No.

Dude: Green Day!

Me: Hai. Greenday.

Dude: Brinku Eititu

Me: Huh?

Dude: Ichi Hachi

Me: 18?

Dude: No. (pretends to write "1 8 2" on a fence)

Me: Blink 182. Ok. Oyasumi.

Dude: Goodnight!

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."

—HAL, 2001: A Space Odyssey

Pseudo Symphony

I was thinking a bit about pseudo instruments today while riding back from the beach. While the air guitar gets most of the attention, (and rightfully so,) I thought I'd give my thoughts others that might not seem like the sexy option. I'm also going to leave out ever-popular broomstick guitar, with all it's variations, as well as the air mic (female variant: hairbrush microphone). I do need to mention the air mic for literally providing cover during the parts of the song you don't know the lyrics to.

So here they are,

The Most Underrated Pseudo Instruments

The air saxophone

If I had a nickel for every time I was caught without a saxophone while listening to INXS's "Never Tear Us Apart," or Wham!'s "Careless Whisper," I'd be able to buy my own saxophone.

The air piano

Probably the most technically difficult of the pseudo instruments. You actually need to know something about piano to play the air piano, otherwise you just end up looking like you're poorly typing. If you can master transitioning back and forth from air piano to air guitar during "Bohemian Rhapsody," then you deserve special permission to play two pseudo instruments for one song. Don't worry, your friends' complaints will be silenced once they witness the awesome.

The car drums

Nothing beats actually banging on things when fake drumming in the car (pun unintended). The back of the driver's seat, the dashboard, the steering wheel, shotgun's head—the options are limitless. Word of advice: call dibs on drums for Oasis's "Don't Look Back in Anger." If you're not sure why, think about how everyone argues over who gets to fake the guitar in Weezer's "Buddy Holly," simply because of the nine note solo near the end—it's like that. Also, try combining the car drums with the pen drums to create your own hybrid.

The KT drums

That's pronounced "kit" and it's an acronym for "kitchen table." These are great because you don't even need any accompanying music. All you need two pieces of silverware, a glass or two, the table, and some easily annoyed family members. (But use what you have; dishes and bowls add nice variety.) This should always be spontaneous—if you don't have the necessary equipment readily available, either improvise or fall back on "Wipeout" with your bare hands.

The seatbelt guitar

Possibly my favorite pseudo instrument of all time. Combining 2o^th century safety with awesome, the belt-tar makes for a convenient, tangible pseudo instrument when you're likely to need it most—in a car. You never know when "Sweet Child O' Mine" might come on.

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

—Carl Sagan, Cosmos: A Personal Voyage

iPods+

I just bought my first iPod the other day. This should come as a surprise to anyone who knows me, given my love for both music and Apple products.

So now I have a Nano. I had always wanted an iPod, it had just always been a money thing. Plus I thought I wouldn't get much use out of one, considering the music options in house and car that don't require an mp3 player. But then I wanted to start running—which I'll get to later—and I wasn't about to do that without my own Nike+. So I needed an iPod.

I wish somebody would have told me earlier how awesome having an iPod is. It has changed my life over the past few days. I had always preferred music that didn't come from inside my ears, so I hadn't really done the walk around with headphones thing since my Walkman (I did have a Discman for a while, but it didn't get much use).

Now, I can't get enough of it. It's like I'm in a whole new world and I don't even care about the crazy Japanese shit going on all around me. I was riding my bike home from the electronics store that sits on top of a big hill when "Never Tear Us Apart" by the 80s and 90s sensation INXS shuffled on just as I was approaching my descent. I could just barely hear the outside world in my total Donnie Darko moment (granted, Echo and the Bunnymen would have been better). This benefit will likely cause my death because I also ignore all the traffic.

Another great thing about having an iPod is that when I walk into a store drenched in sweat because I just rode my bike 500 ft. in 90º heat with 90% humidity, it doesn't even matter because I have an iPod. People assume I'm exercising. This is beneficial because the natives don't sweat like we do; I get made fun of for drinking so much water.

The best part is that Apple and Nike have taken something that I need but hate (aimless running) and made it interesting to a geek like me. I can't wait every day to run and listen to the sexy computer chick tell me how far I've run, then plug in my iPod and do all sorts of nerdy computer things with my workouts. Plus, running is way less boring and painful when lost in music. I might even be starting to enjoy the actual running.

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

"We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special."

—Stephen Hawking

Come On Here, Let's Dance Together!

This past weekend was the final weekend of July. That means normally uneventful Toyota City turns into a party!

Oiden Festival kicked off on Saturday afternoon in the center of town, which happens to be where I live and work. I would have taken the day off if I had any idea what Oiden entailed, but I got to catch some of it on my breaks.

The roads were blocked off, a giant stage was erected, and the streets filled with awesome. I had heard that people dance in the streets for five hours to one song on repeat. I didn't understand why they would play the same song over and over until I heard it and realized it was the best song ever. You can download it in full by clicking here.

The festivities started with a guy on a microphone leading the crowd in chanting, "We love Toyota! We love Toyota!" in English. At that point, the music kicked in and the dancing began. Old ladies, little kids, college students—everyone had their own group of dancers and their own choreography. Up and down the streets the procession looped around the city center, each dance team taking their turn on stage when they reached it.

This was the highlight of my stay in Japan thus far. Better than sumo. Better than the dude sleeping on my shoulder on the train. Better than the root canal. I was pissed that I had to go back to work, that I didn't have a dance team, and that my memory ran out on my camera before I could shoot anything really awesome. The footage below sucks.

The next day, the streets remained blocked off and became lined with tent after tent of people selling shit. Like a carnival, but good and not gay. This was all in preparation for the fireworks show that was to take place that evening near Toyota Stadium.

My friends and I found a spot on the bridge that Tom likes, where everyone was kinda just plopped down on the asphalt—no chairs needed. The clouds started rolling in and I started looking for people carrying umbrellas.

Mildly digressive explanation:

Everyone loves umbrellas here. A slight drizzle, umbrellas go up. They even use them for the sun. In their defense, it does rain all the time here and it is extremely hot and humid every day.

So I was looking around and noticing that not many people were carrying umbrellas. It was nice earlier and it sucks carrying stuff around when you're doing so much walking. I couldn't wait for it to rain to see what would happen. I imagined they would freak out much like our various cats throught the years when my dad sprayed them in the face with a water bottle.

Finally, the nightning clouds and ominous winds broke into rain. My camera was ready. Sure enough over half of the people suddenly had umbrellas. I think some Japanese people are able to use their powers to conjure up umbrellas. Or maybe they just had them hidden under their yukatas, Highlander-esque. Luckily, a good deal of people did not possess the necessary powers and started fleeing. You can also see this on the video below, but again I had to protect my camera before it got really good.

Soon, it started raining Lost style. I'm talking umbrellas don't matter and it kinda hurts rain. Everyone, umbrellas or not, went into full Godzilla mode. I found myself in the midst of sheer mob panic—umbrella prongs flying at me from every angle at exactly eyeball level.

We made it back to Rickey's/my apt. area, largely unscathed. I had just finished changing when the fireworks, which we thought were canceled, started. Of course, we were no longer in an optimal viewing area, so my pictures of that also sucked.

Both Saturday and Sunday nights ended with a gathering at Rickey's for post-Oiden celebrations featuring the orignal Oiden song I spoke so highly of before.

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important.

—Martin Luther King, Jr.