Decade in Review

The new year is almost upon us. As we enter 2010, it's time once again to wave goodbye to another decade. To commemorate the occasion, I've comprised a list.

10 Could-Have-Been-Headlines-or-Quotes of the Decade:

• "Totally worth it."

—Nelson Mandela

• "Totally not worth it."

—William Jefferson Clinton

• Fans Saddened to See Kurt go Bang

• "I've got a really good feeling about this one!"

—Kevin Costner

• Jesus Returns, Passing through TX, CA Leaving a Trail of Bodies in His Wake

• "I've really outdone myself. I don't think anyone will ever top this one!"

—Timothy McVeigh

• "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!"

—Colorado freshman

• "Nice idea, poor execution."

—Osama bin Laden

• "Phew! Glad that's over and done with!"

—George H. W. Bush

• UN on Rowanda: We Won't Make That Mistake Again

Too soon?

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

"I think we ought always to entertain our opinions with some measure of doubt. I shouldn't wish people dogmatically to believe any philosophy, not even mine."

—Bertrand Russell

10 Things I Hate about Yule

Stop it. I know you're thinking, "Here we go again. Guy and his atheism—of course he has to bash Christmas." You're so predictable. Before you get all twisted, notice that I wrote similar posts about Father's Day and Independence Day—two entirely secular holidays. And don't forget Halloween.

Truth is I love Christmas. It's right up there somewhere below Thanksgiving in my book. But I love irony more.

So here are my 10 things I hate about Christmas, in no particular order:

• Disrespect of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday known to mankind. A celebration of food and football. Yet every year Christmas comes along and starts screaming as soon as Halloween is over, completely oblivious to the existence of Thanksgiving. Sorry Xmas, there's no room at this inn for you until after Thanksgiving. Stick to December where you belong.

• Santa

And by Santa I mean my parents for lying to me about Santa. I believed everything these two people told me for 14 years until they dropped that bomb on me.

• People Who Hate Santa

Look. I don't plan to fill my kids' heads with Santa myths either, and I agree that Santa is evil (you'll see from my next entry). But some people are just psycho.

• "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

Have you listened to the lyrics of this song? He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when your awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. What psycho came up with this? That's terrifying! Why would we sing to our kids about an omniscient stalker?

• "Merry Christmas" Fanatics

Nobody is saying that you can't say it. Some people prefer to say different phrases. Big deal.

• Shopping Malls

The only thing more annoying than shopping malls, are shopping malls during the holidays. Especially the music. It's impossible to spend less than a half hour in your mall during December, so I'm going to hear repeats of your compilation of the worst renditions of Christmas songs CD that you keep on loop.

• Ghost Town

The one day that I absolutely need to shop more than any other day of the year is Christmas Day. This is also the one day when nothing is open. I'm left doing my Christmas shopping and picking up forgotten condiments at Walgreens.

• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

I realize I'm in the minority here, but I just can't stand this animated special. It's not entertaining, the animation sucks, and it's kinda creepy.

• Decorating the Tree and Hanging Lights

This isn't fun. This is a chore that you've been convinced is a fun event.

• Anti-Xmas-ers.

Come on people, are we just making up reasons to get mad? Sometimes we get lazy. No one is trying to "take the Christ out of Christmas" with this one—the "X" actually means "Christ"!

Enjoy this likely unrelated quote:

"In my country we go to prison first and then become President. "

—Nelson Mandela